I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
