just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
