my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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