I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
