dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
