Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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