I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
