I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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