I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
