Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize