I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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