You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Randomize
