Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
