He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
