i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
