Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
