remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
