9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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