I'm sorry my penis didn't work
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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