just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
