I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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