I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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