They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
did i walk over a car last night?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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