My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
