I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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