Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
