He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
