Can Purell be used as lube?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize