I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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