i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Randomize
