Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
