so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
