i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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