I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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