I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
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