This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
