i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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