When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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