Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
