she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
