I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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