I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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