SEEEEXXX PLEASE
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
