my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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