i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
