I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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