I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
