the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize