I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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