you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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