I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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