My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
