If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
