As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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