His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Rumble strips road head = magical
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
