dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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