i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
stop calling my apartment porn island.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize