The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Randomize
