trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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