PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
