my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
