guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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